5 Good Reasons to Hate the TMNT Movie (and 3 Really Bad Ones)

June 4, 2016

Let’s start with a short list of perfectly good reason to hate the new Ninja Turtles movies.
1. You hate turtles
2. You hate ninjas
3. You are a member of the Foot
4. You don’t like the actors
5. You hate yourself

Reasons you aren’t allowed to hate the new Ninja Turtles movies.

1. Because it is “Dark and Gritty”

A lot of people had an axe to grind with the 2014 trailer for this reason. This has to be the worst one I see. It usually comes out of the mouth of someone who has a favorite turtle too. They are a “hardcore” ninja turtle fan, and they can’t believe such a bright and funny cartoon could become such a dark movie. They can’t believe it because they’re a fucking moron. The reaction to the 2014 trailer pretty much sums all this up. What these “fans” and most other casual observers don’t know is that the movies aren’t trying to make something fun and silly into something dark because it was always dark. The original source material for the Turtles is a comic where they kill Shredder in the FIRST ISSUE! They beat the shit out of him on a roof top and then give him the choice between killing himself or being murdered. He chooses to chuck a grenade at them. They respond by knocking him off the rooftop and tossing the grenade down with him for good measure. The comic is black and white. The turtles don’t have surfer personalities. Raph drinks a beer in one issue. The whole thing is pretty crazy and worth a read if you are into that sort of thing. The only reason we have the color specific surfer Turtles is because the creators sold out. Someone came to them and said, “Let’s make toys, but to sell the toys, let’s make a cartoon. Well if we want to sell the toys they will have to be fun. Add surfer personality, and if we make them look slightly different then we can sell 4 times as many.” In this case selling out was a pretty good option, though.

2. Because they look “Ugly/Too human”

A lot of people have a problem with the Turtle’s designs in the movie. People have compared them to Shrek which is just the epitome of people who lack any creativity. Look they’re both big and green! (Racists.) They look too human to some people, but they are basically half human. They are anthropomorphic turtles, meaning they are turtle/human hybrids. Honestly, this is the complaint that confuses me the most. Do you want to have sex with the turtles? What does a handsome turtle look like? There was a photoshopped image floating around for a while and it looked pretty good. It was the rounded “beak” that is most common for the Turtles instead of the new faces they have. The problem with that look is that it resemble a frog more than a turtle.  Personally my favorite version of the Turtles is from TMNT: Out of the Shadows. Not the movie but the game they released a few years ago. I think they are the perfect mix between human and turtle.
3. Because Michael Bay is directingFirst of all, he isn’t. He literally is not directing the movie. He is heavily involved, sure, but he 100% is not directing.  If this is your point of contention with the movies, the other thing I would say to you is: name 15 directors in 2 minutes.  “Michael Bay sucks” is essentially a meme at this point. People with no knowledge of how making a movie works or how directing works love to repeat this. You really don’t know anything about making movies, but you get a massive hit of dopamine when you parrot something popular and everyone congratulates you for it.

Pretty much the moment you admit that you dislike the new movies because they aren’t like the 80s cartoon is the moment you show that you aren’t really interested in the Turtles.  I’m not saying that I’m a “real” fan and you’re not. I am saying that I’m a fan and you used to be, and that’s totally cool. You can stay a fan of some things after 20 years, but if it’s an ever changing franchise with multiple stories that aren’t connected in any way other than the characters then you’re just a fan of that once specific thing. I’m a fan of the Turtles because I get excited for any news I hear about them. I don’t just cling to the version I saw as a child. So I’m a fan of the Ninja Turtles and you’re a fan of the 80’s cartoon. That doesn’t make me better than you……………..but that cartoon is really bad. If it makes you feel any better, the newest movie seems to be leaning more heavily towards that cartoon than the 2014 movie did, and despite what I said in this article, I am very happy with that. I love every version of the Turtles (except The Next Mutation, Barfafrooni!) so I am glad to see them get to be silly and have fun.

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